How to Change a Diaper; Instructions for a Two Year Old.

As I have stated in previous conversations, I am uncomfortable with children. My husband Jimmy is not. He thinks they’re fun and cute….until they soil themselves and he has no idea how to handle it. I should also mention that when one of our cats throw up he gags a little bit so I can only imagine the team we will make if we ever choose to venture down parenting avenue.

A few weeks ago our friend Matt had a staff function to attend for the restaurant he manages and since he is the manager, he was obligated to go. He had no babysitter for the evening and as a last, last, last resort, he called Jimmy. Matt is also hoping that Jimmy and I will jump on the baby train so that he is not the only one with a child so I think he was sub-plotting to drop off his son to trigger some sort of maternal instincts. His plan backfired.

Damien is two and a half years of age and is extremely polite. However he, like all children think that cats are toys. Our cats did not agree. Before he even had his jacket off Damien was charging at Zeus (our oldest and least stranger-friendly) and knocked the cat over. Zeus was unimpressed and let that be known. Titus (our middle and shyest) immediately ran to the bedroom to seek protection in his kennel. Humphrey (our youngest and most adventurous) was actually quite interested in this tiny being that seemed to be equally interested in him. Damien was thrilled that one of the cats let him pet their head and then proceeded to chase Humphrey up and down the hallway. Humphrey lost interest and huddled in the kennel with Titus.

Now what do we do? I have no toys and no child friendly games….we have movies and juice. So we set Damien down on a chair with his buddy Diego, his sippy cup and put in “The Brave Little Toaster”. Damien is chugging this juice back like he hasn’t had a beverage in ages. Like a fool who doesn’t know better I keep bringing him more and more juice (about 4 sippy cups worth). Suddenly, Damien stands up and points to his bag of accessories. I bring him the backpack and he pulls out a diaper. I am really uncomfortable now. I was hoping not to have to deal with this so early in the evening….Jimmy’s smile disappears as he realizes what’s going on. We both stare at each other for a moment while a two year old waves a diaper around trying to get our attention.

I pick Damien up and take him to the bathroom with Jimmy reluctantly following behind. Damien has chosen to stand on the bathroom counter while we attempt to change a diaper together. I carefully pull the back of his diaper open to peek in to see what we are dealing with. I breathe a sigh of relief when it's not the more "unpleasant" of the two options. Now we have to figure out what to do from here. I undo the current diaper (which is really HEAVY) and take the diaper to a garbage bag we have going and then return. Jimmy is still standing there staring at the clean diaper trying to understand the mechanics. It is at this point Damien notices our clear lack of knowledge and starts telling us what to do. He walks us through the entire ordeal from start to finish – including washing our hands when we’re done. This half-naked two year old is standing on our bathroom counter informing us that the diaper is too loose on the sides, how to fasten the sides and that we need to wipe him off. Jimmy & I laugh at the situation but realize that maybe cats are good enough for now….or…forever.

The moment Damien sat down in the chair to resume the movie he waved his sippy cup in the air, saying: “MORE JUICE PWEASE”.