Feminine Shopping With The (Greek) Mother In-Law

Dear Readers,

We’re close right? I mean I’ve told you some pretty crazy shit about me. I’ve revealed my most embarrassing moments like being trapped in a hallway for an hour at work, my bathing suit top being ripped off in front of 8 of my closest guy friends and my tragic driving stories. This one takes the cake. I sure hope you’ve relieved your bladder prior to reading this. I’m serious. It’s the absolute worst moment of my life. It made me frown. I never frown. Shall we begin?

A few weeks ago the unfortunate arrival of my “lady problem” occurred. Of course, I was all out of “feminine products”. I have to go to the store – with Jimmy’s Mom – the most stereotypical, shortest Greek Mother In-Law ever. Shh, I’m not done yet. Jimmy, against my advice brought the dog so he had to wait outside the store with the puppy while I went in alone. That’s right, he left a man out on the field. I go in to Shoppers Drug Mart and run over to the aisle of doom. His mom heads over to the milk aisle. My plan was to grab my shit and race to the front pay and leave with my stuff in the bag and she’d never know. How mature am I. They don’t have my brand. Ladies, you know once you find something that covers you the idea of switching is absolutely out of the question. Fuck. I wander back to her and say what I need isn’t here. Then she asks the dreaded question. “What do you need? Maybe I have at home and you no need buy.”

I tell her and she says “Oh. Okay. Well maybe Safeway? They expensive there. How much you pay?” I mutter something like three dollars. I don’t even remember. The last thing I want to talk about is price. We go to Safeway and I find the aisle of doom there. My brand is sold out there too. Mega fuck. Shortly after my mini melt down, she’s right beside me helping me pick out the best deal. A piece of me died right there. I have to negotiate and discuss the brands and prices with my Mother In-Law in the middle of Safeway. Of course she wants me to buy the largest package because it’s the cheapest. Now for those of you who do not know the goal of shopping for such products, it’s get enough so you don’t have to come back but not so many people think you’re dying. The set for life size bag is not going to be taken off of that shelf. Not by me, not today and not ever.

Then she wants me to grab the two for $7.00 deal. I tried to explain that I don’t want two, I just want one incase this new stuff isn’t good. She tells me that it’s cheaper this way. We’re not communicating well. Finally she says “Okay, I drive you to Superstore then.” The idea of having this conversation again somewhere else in the same night was enough to make me grab the two for $7.00 and quickly high tail it to the front to pay. Just when I didn’t think it could get any worse…she insists on paying. Folks, this lady is about five foot even, totally olive skinned and has a thick accent. Clearly, we’re not related. And in front of everyone, the cashier, other customers and a bag boy she’s standing there insisting that she pay for my feminine products. I’m 23. People are looking at me wondering what is going on.
She pays, I don’t have the energy to fight any more. We walk home and no more is said about price or what just happened to me in there. When we arrive at home I go directly to the bathroom. I have concluded that my life is no more than a sitcom. These things happen to me time and again. That is about the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me concerning my lady problem. I am reviewing the evening with my head in my hands and as I’m sitting there in the bathroom, on the other side of the door is his mom. She knocks on the door and says, “Are they okay? Do you like? We can take them back if you want.” A slow tear slid down my cheek.