When Good Kitteh's Go Bad

Disclaimer: Due to the graphic nature of this blog and sheer crude manner in which I am about to tell my semi-bestiality experience you probably shouldn’t read this. At all. Seriously. Alright but don’t say I didn’t warn you. This story takes place three years ago.

I have a disgusting story to tell you all. I'll make it short because I've tried to repress the memory of this...uh...event? I'm not sure what to label it other than the most upsetting moment of my life. Let's begin shall we?

Sometimes when I’m bored I like to play with my kitty. I mean it’s there, warm, soft and furry so why not? Let me tell you, I learned a valuable lesson last week about when you should and should not play with your kitty. As you know Jimmy and I recently obtained a new kitten. His name is Zeus, he’s totally adorable and he has grown up at an alarming rate. He is five months old and his dingo balls are dragging on the ground. And apparently he has recently discovered he has a penis.

I had been playing with Zeus on the floor after dinner last week. I was teasing him by face washing him so he couldn’t see or reach my hand to claw/bite. When his tail started to flick in annoyance I knew it was time to end my mean game and let him up. I sat down on my computer chair and checked out the normal “stuff”: Facebook, Myspace, MSN, Torrent downloads etc. Zeus appeared at my feet pawing my calf indicating he want up. I pick him up and catch his back paw on my forearm. It’s wet. Hmm did kitty step in his bathroom leavings again? I flip him over for inspection and catch a wiff of something new…it’s a stale odor that’s not urine or poop….and he’s covered in a grey-white substance….

OMG is that what I think it is? Did my tiny, adorable little kitten just ejaculate on himself after rough housing? OMG X 2 my kitty likes it rough? I make a horrified face and throw him on the floor (not with enough force to hurt him of course) then flee for the kitchen to find my cell phone. I need Jimmy to console me. I send him a text message: “Kitty just jazzed on himself!!!” Stupid auto-correct. I turn around to see Zeus saunter in like nothing happened. I gag because I have to check and make sure he’s not wiping his….kitten love juices all over my house. I flip him over again. It’s all gone. I gag again. He licked it all up. Not a trace remained. I called the vet to book an appointment to have his friends removed IMMEDIATELY. Even though he’s short for his age I guess kittens now a days are discovering themselves a lot faster than they used to. I only wish I hadn’t been the one to discover him discovering himself….